My jewel is not just the gem I wear
but the precious memory
I keep close to my heart
when I think of you
You and I
we had so many difficulties
so many differences
yet
there are similarities
more
than we both
at different times
wanted to admit
Love was there
but covered by so
many layers
Oh we had to tear through them
We were almost too late
but love prevailed
you prevailed
in your final lingering hours
You my mother
looked upon me…your daughter…and told me you were proud.
© copyright 5/14/2012 catherine anne hayes
When my mother was 5 years old George Balanchine saw her dance and saw her beauty and natural talent. He approached my grandmother and offered a full scholarship to The School of American Ballet that he had just founded with Lincoln Kirstein. My grandmother’s reply was a resounding no because in quotes “ballerinas and actresses are whores”. That moment colored my mother’s entire life. At that tender young age her dreams and desires were shattered. My mother seemed to live a life of unfulfilled dreams. Yes she would go out and achieve things like becoming a registered nurse and one of the first pediatric nurses in the United States and in the world and training many others too. My mother was very good at what she did and was an inspiration. There are quite a few nurses and even a few doctors because of her. She worked in the public health sector. She was gutsy. She saved lives. She stood up to drug lords. When it came to a sick child she was fearless.
Yet my mother felt worthless, unfulfilled….why? Because buried deep inside her soul was still that hurt deprived 5 year old little girl who wasn’t allowed to become a ballerina.
My mother was very good at keeping her hidden but I was lucky to see her emerge a rare few times like when we shopped for my senior prom dress. I still in my minds eye see her standing next to me as we looked at my refection in the full length mirror. Her beautiful brown eyes sparkling even brighter than mine. Her smile wider. Mom was rarely like that.
Another time was at my niece’s wedding. The DJ started playing a polka and a few people got up to dance. My mother said to me “Catherine, let’s show them how it is REALLY done!” and mom and I got up to polka…again for a few magical moments the little girl shone through and my mother was completely happy.
There are a few precious memories that I have of her secret five year old self coming out. I call them “My Precious Pearls”. Mom was not the easiest person. I truly questioned once if she really loved me and wanted me. I had heard my whole life that I was my father’s idea but I had never heard from her lips once that I was her idea too or that she had wanted me. One day I finally had the courage to ask her. She sighed. Then she did a surprising thing. She put her pride aside and said. “I love you Catherine. Of course I wanted you. You would not be here. You are my daughter.” Then she hugged me. That is the most precious pearl of all.
©copyright 5/14/2012 catherine anne hayes
I loved you then I love you now
I’ll love you longer still.
How longI cannot tell for sure
It’s a battle of my will
Against the forces of my heart.
But in war there are no winners
Only losers by the score.
And so I have to ask myself,
What am I fighting for?
The answer could be self respect:
“We’ve retaken ego hill”.
To the victor belongs the spoils of war,
That is, if the winner is my will.
Tit for Tat
A childish game of you do this
and I’ll do that
Yet on we race against the clock
With just seconds left to play
Unaware of how we’ve sqandered yet another perfect day
And the outcome’s still the same,
It’s another scoreless game.
My heart aches for you
My love
this separation from you
is so hard to bear
I think I can handle it
I go for days
weeks
keeping myself preoccupied with life’s tasks
but then
a shaft of moonlight sneaks through
the curtains
and gently kisses my face
just as you did
when we last lay together
I need you so
You are a part of me
I am a part of you
Where you begin
I end
Come to me
End this limbo that you have put us in
You love me
I love you
Always
Forever
© copyright catherine anne hayes 4/29/2012
I no longer spend my days awake hammering at keyboard keys.
I may have given up on my simpler dreams,
of being the one thing that I dreamed.
I seldom lay awake at night and think of what I use to be.
The kid with many little means,
who never gave up on his dreams.
And reflect on who I am now.
A dreamless man, a hopeless clown.
My ferocious growl has now calmed down.
And I just mutter to myself now.
I think back to when I was more naive.
When anything I dreamed could be achieved.
And I find myself flushed and out of wind.
Just wishing I could be that naive again.
Stray Dog Beach, so lonely so sad…
It’s a place I know well. It’s worse than bad!
A dark and scary port along Puerto Rico’s shore -
strewn with litter, junk, and thugs galore.
Jess is my name. I’m a shepherd, size large!
I once lived there in a rusty abandoned barge.
Don’t cry just yet, for I was not alone.
Lucy, Shep, and Leo all shared my home!
Leo’s a brave yellow Lab, who loves to fetch sticks.
Lucy is a Dalmatian, and Shep is a Doberman mix.
I am white with blue eyes and have stand-up ears.
I survived on this beach for two very long years!
I once had a family – I wasn’t always a stray.
In fact, I was the present they got on Christmas Day!
I was tiny and cute and just loved to play,
but I got less attention with every passing day.
By New Year’s Day, my family was sick and tired of me,
so I was banished to the backyard and chained to a tree.
On Valentine’s Day they took me for a ride in the truck.
“They love me again,” I thought. “Oh, what luck!”
We stopped at the beach, so we could enjoy the day.
But when I got out, they drove away!
I was scared and alone. They never came back!
Moments later, I would meet the rest of the beach pack.
From out of the jungle and from behind every tree,
dogs of every size and shape welcomed me!
I was officially abandoned that February day;
Here’s what the other homeless dogs had to say:
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You must be brave, for you’ll be OK.
Steve comes to care for us every day!
He has long brown hair and wears a bandanna that’s red.
He brings us fresh water and makes sure we are fed.
Through tropical heat and bad garbage spills,
he heals our wounds and cures all our ills.
He stands between us and would-be abusers -
a homemade slingshot is what he uses!
A massive rescue project has already begun,
finding us loving homes, one by one.
Progress is slow, and their funds are not many,
but to save our lives, they will spend their last penny!
Steve promised that his amigos would come for us.
You just have to wait for your turn on the rescue bus!”
And so I settled into the life of a dog with no home.
I had a daily routine and favorite places to roam.
Eventually I became the alpha male, the boss -
the one no other dogs wanted to cross!
I ruled the beach with an iron paw,
Enforcing our very own K-9 law
Mothers and puppies were first to eat;
The elderly and sick had the next seat.
When darkness fell, we all scattered and hid out of sight,
my buddies and I guarding for any dangerous plight.
But everything changed one starless eve,
when a group of troublemakers just would not’t leave!
I barked a code red, hoping to alert the pack,
when these delinquents dumped hot oil on my back!
They were planning to do worse but were scared away,
by Lucy, Shep, and Leo – who all saved the day!
Us dogs sure are tough! But we still feel the same
as people do when they feel pain.
The next morning I knew that Steve would arrive.
He would take care of me and help me survive!
They say many blessings often come in disguise.
Whoever coined that phrase must be very wise!
My fever was scorching, the pain excruciating -
but soon that rescue bus was at the beach waiting!
So I got on the bus when I heard, “Let’s go! Vamos!”
We were off to see the town vet, Dr. Ramos!
He cleansed my burns, gave me penicillin and an I.V. drip;
He x-ray ed my back and tended to my throbbing hip.
?
I was showered with attention while I was recovering
and in these few months I was soon discovering
?
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that most humans are kind, not evil nor bad.
But I had thought the worst from the experiences I’d had!
I learned to trust again and wag my tail.
I played with my plastic hamburger toy to no avail!
I was discharged with my toy and countless tubes of ointment
but was scheduled to return for a weekly appointment.
So off I went to my new foster home.
My temporary mom Nydia loved me like her own!
I had to wear a big t-shirt most of the time.
It looked silly but protected my wound just fine!
Placing me in a permanent home was a difficult mission.
There were rumors that I might have a bad disposition!
Most shelters wouldn’t take a chance on me because of this or that -
they feared I had food aggression or would hurt someone’s cat!
I went on many evaluations and interviews -
my behavior was assessed and it wasn’t good news.
Finding me a home was just getting harder!
I wouldn’t share my toys, so I was labeled a “resource guarder.”
I was rejected by so many places, indeed!
But I was finally accepted by the organization “Animals In Need.”
After a tearful goodbye, I flew from San Juan to Washington State -
for a forever loving home I no longer had to wait!
The Kessinger family wanted me, ugly scar and all!
And for the rest of my life, I will never fail to recall:
My new mom, dad, aunt and brothers in the cargo zone
waiting for me with a fuzzy toy and a delicious welcome bone!
Dreams really do come true – I’m certainly proof of that!
I even pal around with Gomez, my new family’s cat.
I found my forever home, no more one-way trips in the car.
My scar even healed into the shape of a lucky star!
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There is one more important thing that I’d like to mention -
Having a pet is a huge responsibility, we need daily care and lots of love and attention!
In her room stand the walls, she painted with her pain.
One of them deep blue in color, fully depicts her strain.
Another holds the window, as the portal to her minds eye.
Through it beckons the sun, arousing her in a majestic sky.
Appears an apparition from Omega making her sane
by rendering to her brightness, passion, pleasure and much pain.
There also stand two walls, painted bright as the day,
these depict the strength she’s gained
from fighting along the way.
These walls of her room paint her path, crooked and thin
followed through space and time down the path veiled in sin.
A vision of long ago engineered from high above,
fulfilling for eternity, through her genes fed with love.
The sun is the strongest of the omens which she heeds.
She doesn’t know exactly why in her it leaves its seed.
The vision of the sun burns a void she has to fill,
but she rebukes the insight and her own path tries to build.
A dichotomy she reaped through her lineage love and pain.
Now all alone she sits behind the walls she painted in vain.
Like a dandelion in the wind
So is my since of weightlessness
Since I fell into unconditional love
I am light and I’m alive
But sometimes I feel I’m
Waiting to blow away
The realities of my first born
They cut me though I hide
She beckons me through her midnight eyes
She calls out without a voice
Our condition is bent it’s darkened our minds
Now she lays in wait alone
Waiting to blow away
And now is revealed my pain, so real
And how she feels alone, in the cold
Sometimes she feels no such thing as change
And She fears she has no home
Sometimes she feels who is drawing her near
She feels just like her Mom
Waiting to blow away
I’m drowning in a pool of lies
I’m dying to breathe truth again
I long for the day when I can live
Reunited with her we begin
This melancholy I feel is so surreal
Like it sets me adrift in the wind
Alone in the cold without a home
And so I know how she feels
Waiting to blow away
And one day when my sun arrives
I’ll look toward her voice
In the distance of time and space deprived silenced so wrongly long ago
I know in my heart she’ll sing the song in love of the Sovereign our Lord
No longer the pain and distancing
No longer the shadows of grief
No longer the lies and deception and greed
No longer the sting of the beast
This love that we feel is so for real it’s unconditional and it’s in peace
But this time we’ll dance and sing our songs and embrace the happiness
And this time we will be
Waiting to fly away (so light and lively, loving peace)
Waiting to fly away (so light and lovely, perfect, serene)
You don’t need any Prozac because you already have me
You bleed me in whole, pump me through your veins and then you begin to feel free In those moments of ecstasy you take all that you feel you need You make the most of your vacation then go back to where you vowed to be
So you seek your narcotic you take three doses and you are released From the bond that is your pain as you love high all night till dawn comes again You fight back the tears as you withdraw until your next phase In the sunlight you feel me as you see the power of your nights stay
Pipes and powders needles for veins give you no illusion of change From the bond that is your soul which mates with one who dominates by hate Of all your powers and your passion your love your world all you create So you use a substitute in the hope that it will help you all maintain
So you seek your narcotic you take three doses and you are released From the bond that is your pain as you love high all night till dawn comes again You fight back the tears as you withdraw until your next phase In the sunlight you feel me as you see the power of your nights stay
The bottle drowns no sorrow for you it only dulls your magnetic force Which coerces you through town and throws you at the front of my very door In your drunken state you fear all that you’ve every dreamed and more All whom you hold dear your fear you’ve let them down and thrown to the floor
So you seek your narcotic you take three doses and you are released From the bond that is your pain as you love high all night till dawn comes again You fight back the tears as you withdraw until your next phase In the sunlight you feel me as you see the power of your nights stay.
