Diluted Heart

Why can’t I do this?
Third time this week that no love alone defeats no love with someone
Nothing with meaning isn’t anything… important
But anything is better than nothing at all.
So why is it that my body rejects it and my mind goes limp
And I end up throwing and waking up face down in my own pool of shhhhh…
Kicks
To the stomach
Thinking about all the times her complaints were valid
And I could have bandaged up the deep but invisible cuts
But I didn’t want…
…to bad enough
All I needed was another quick-fix line assured to just buy me some time to get a better rhyme for her to call shotgun in the Maserati
Stepping on the gas on the highway to one sided “this won’t last”, other sided “if I give him another chance, maybe my half full and his half empty will come together and fill this love starved glass”
But I didn’t,
I couldn’t,
This thinking was diluted
And even though this theorem benefited my new autonomy
Some left over part of me said I
No,
You couldn’t bottom feed me
Or her
Patchwork was no longer an option for the mended hearted
You both deserve better
She’s too good for this
And you use to be worth something
Now a trip with me to the pawnshop will only get you a dirty apology
The gift that keeps on giving
And now I try to drown her out with loose toothed sorrow eaters,
So the world can be captivated by stories of well thought out distractions
Substitutes for the only kind of lust that really works:
Love
But I can’t trick myself
It seems her face shows up every where I turn.
No relief.

Published by Kevin J

I think I write to try to explain moments that I don't truly understand. That's why I have a tendency to be wordy. The closer I am to minimalism, the better off I am. I also do it to keep records of what I was thinking at certain periods of time, so some kind of footsteps are left showing me how I got here. Looking back, it seems inevitable that I am where I am now; couldn't have been anywhere else. I don't have any goals for the future, except for trying to enjoy it. I'm the opposite of most people I know; I no longer want to know what is coming up next. I just want to create the road and ride, or not create it and ride anyway.

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