FreestyleVision.com » catherine anne hayes

My Precious Pearls

catherine anne hayes — Thu, 17 May 2012 06:15:37 +0000

When my mother was 5 years old George Balanchine saw her dance and saw her beauty and natural talent. He approached my grandmother and offered a full scholarship to The School of American Ballet that he had just founded with Lincoln Kirstein. My grandmother’s reply was a resounding no because in quotes “ballerinas and actresses are whores”. That moment colored my mother’s entire life. At that tender young age her dreams and desires were shattered. My mother seemed to live a life of unfulfilled dreams. Yes she would go out and achieve things like becoming a registered nurse and one of the first pediatric nurses in the United States and in the world and training many others too. My mother was very good at what she did and was an inspiration. There are quite a few nurses and even a few doctors because of her. She worked in the public health sector. She was gutsy. She saved lives. She stood up to drug lords. When it came to a sick child she was fearless.

Yet my mother felt worthless, unfulfilled….why? Because buried deep inside her soul was still that hurt deprived 5 year old little girl who wasn’t allowed to become a ballerina.
My mother was very good at keeping her hidden but I was lucky to see her emerge a rare few times like when we shopped for my senior prom dress. I still in my minds eye see her standing next to me as we looked at my refection in the full length mirror. Her beautiful brown eyes sparkling even brighter than mine. Her smile wider. Mom was rarely like that.

Another time was at my niece’s wedding. The DJ started playing a polka and a few people got up to dance. My mother said to me “Catherine, let’s show them how it is REALLY done!” and mom and I got up to polka…again for a few magical moments the little girl shone through and my mother was completely happy.

There are a few precious memories that I have of her secret five year old self coming out. I call them “My Precious Pearls”. Mom was not the easiest person. I truly questioned once if she really loved me and wanted me. I had heard my whole life that I was my father’s idea but I had never heard from her lips once that I was her idea too or that she had wanted me. One day I finally had the courage to ask her. She sighed. Then she did a surprising thing. She put her pride aside and said. “I love you Catherine. Of course I wanted you. You would not be here. You are my daughter.” Then she hugged me. That is the most precious pearl of all.

©copyright 5/14/2012 catherine anne hayes

My Jewel

catherine anne hayes — Thu, 17 May 2012 06:15:37 +0000

My jewel is not just the gem I wear
but the precious memory
I keep close to my heart
when I think of you
You and I
we had so many difficulties
so many differences
yet
there are similarities
more
than we both
at different times
wanted to admit
Love was there
but covered by so
many layers
Oh we had to tear through them
We were almost too late
but love prevailed
you prevailed
in your final lingering hours
You my mother
looked upon me…your daughter…and told me you were proud.

My Heart Aches

catherine anne hayes — Tue, 01 May 2012 06:05:37 +0000

My heart aches for you
My love
this separation from you
is so hard to bear
I think I can handle it
I go for days
weeks
keeping myself preoccupied with life’s tasks
but then
a shaft of moonlight sneaks through
the curtains
and gently kisses my face
just as you did
when we last lay together
I need you so
You are a part of me
I am a part of you
Where you begin
I end
Come to me
End this limbo that you have put us in
You love me
I love you
Always
Forever

Imagination

catherine anne hayes — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 05:02:35 +0000

Imagination

My imagination
is my hands
that touch
explore
excite
the planes
depths
of your body

My imagination
is my lips
that kiss
your eyes
cheeks
gently
passionately
probe
taste
your mouth

My imagination
is vivid
Flowing
Intense
Desire
for you builds
the more
thoughts of you
come
into my mind
Fire
takes over
my body
I will explode

I want you now
I burn for you

Time
to stop
imagining

My Constant Love

catherine anne hayes — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 05:02:06 +0000

My Constant Love

You my constant love
who never abandons me
I love You
I feel You
in the warmth
of the sun
as it touches my face
I feel You
in the softness
of the wind
I hear Your voice
in the music
of birds singing
and
children laughing
and
the sounds of life
beautiful life
around me
You are always
with me
My constant love
My Lord
My Life
My God

My Dreams

catherine anne hayes — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 05:09:19 +0000

My Dreams

I will not give up my dreams
They are part of me
and keep me going when
everything is so difficult
and I feel overwhelmed
and exhausted
My dreams are my life blood
the reason to keep on living
to keep on hoping
to keep on working
to make things better
improve my life
I have taken chances
I have taken risks
I have never chosen
the easy comfortable path
and will continue to do so
because it is possible for my dreams
to come true
I had made old dreams come true
in my past
and somehow
my new dreams will come to fruition
The road is not easy
It is much harder
but it is worth it
My dreams are worth it
I am worth it

I Question I Wonder

catherine anne hayes — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 05:06:17 +0000

I question I wonder

Silly
we are
that we don’t see
the real beauty
and gifts
that are around us.
Always looking
for other things
that really
don’t matter
but
we think
they do
And
why must people
yell
and rush through
everything
and spoil
precious moments
that can not
be recaptured

What is wrong with us?

Have we forgotten
how to live?
to feel joy?
to be human?

I truly wonder…

Is there hope
for us?
Is there still
a spark inside
of us
that will ignite
and flare
bring us to
our better selves
feel the love
the passion
the beauty
our true souls
that lives inside
of us?

I wish
I hope
I pray

I can not give up on us

I will not give up on us

Call me
the hopeless
and foolish
romantic
who even though
life has battered
me around
still chases rainbows
and sunsets
and still
believes in
castles
in the clouds
and
happily ever after…
such
is my nature
I can not help it
I will always
look for the best
inside of a person
and feel the best
of them first
I will stop
and smell
the sweet scent
of the roses
and
I will always
believe in
the power
the magic
the glory
of love

Lost Rose

catherine anne hayes — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 21:26:27 +0000

Frost glazed everything in sight
in the garden
crunched like glass under
her feet as she walked the paths
in the late November afternoon
she walked aimlessly
sadly
lonely
her heart and soul feeling
empty
void of love
as she loooked all around
at the pearl gray misted sky
the brown trees bereft of leaves
the tired bushes
the dried out flowers sleeping
till next spring
she thought…
“Is this all there is? Is there nothing left?
Is there no hope left for me?”
A sad sigh
A single tear slips down her soft chilled cheek
Suddenly
out of the corner of her eye
she sees a tiny spash of colour
without thinking
she is drawn to it
and then she is next to it
a single rose
a single last surviving
lost rose
clinging on to life
fighting
blazing in all it’s glory
she took in it’s lush fragrance
It filled her with warmth
It started hope within her again
She thought
If this single lost rose
can find a reason to survive
in this cold bleakness
so can I
She rubbed the rose against her cheek
then softly kissed it
A single ray of golden sunlight breaks
through…
Hope does spring anew.

Thinking Of You

catherine anne hayes — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 15:31:09 +0000

Thinking of you
turns
my blood to fire
and
I am all lit up
Restless
Wanting
in my bed
when
I should be in yours
Yes
Right now
Lips touching
Tongues dancing
Bodies meshing
Heat blending with heat

Come to me
Now
Bring me to your bed
End this waiting
this torment
Fill me up with you
Now
Please
Come to me

Middle of The Night Musings

catherine anne hayes — Sat, 15 Oct 2011 07:05:12 +0000

The Middle of the night
and I am awake again
Restless
Changes
so many, many changes
that are going to happen
it is good that they are happening
but
some I am not ready for
and
some I am hurt and scarred deeply by
Changes
They must happen
I am scared
but they must happen
Life goes on
I must go on
I do not want to live this life anymore
I can’t anymore
It hurts too much
It chokes me
Drowns me
Drags me down
I want to be free
Free from hurt
Free from bounds
Free from screaming voices
I want to live again
I want to feel alive again
I want to be myself again

I Will Not Disappear

catherine anne hayes — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 02:34:39 +0000

Before I lock the door forever that you have closed
I want to say that as much as you try
you will not be able to make me disappear.
I am a part of you as you are a part of me.
We have a past.
We have blood.
My echo is in those walls.
Yes
they belong to you.
All yours.
I do not want them.
But
they are a part of my past
and that
you can not obliterate
as much as you try.
You can not stop
my thoughts
my feelings
my heart
as much as you try.
You say I have hurt you
For the hurts I have caused
I am truly sorry
but
I will not own ones
that you think I have caused.
I can not take responsibility
for a hurt your child accuses me of
when
I do not know what it is.
I refuse to.
Speaking of your child…
I for six years willingly and lovingly
took care of and raised your child
so you could return to school
I encouraged you to do so
when you were down
and felt you could not
continue you
I encouraged you more
I knew you could make it through
I knew you could succeed
and you did
I was so proud of you
and I still am
but you did not want to
know from my pride in you
Now when I try to speak to you
to try speak to you slam the phone
Never letting me say what we both need to hear
You call and do all the talking
then you slam the phone
You have done that
all our lives.
Running in doing your damage
then running out.
You have cause me hurts too
and I am in a wheelchair because
of one of those hurts
as much as you
tried to deny it
deep down
you know it is the truth
even your child knows
and saw when it happened.
Mom saw it happen too.
But you know?
I forgave you
I didn’t have to.
I was advised not to
but I did
you are my blood
I love you
again I had to protect you.
How many times have I protected you.
You know what I am talking about.
It is over now.
You have ended it.
This is your doing.
I have always been willing to find a common ground
but that ground could only exist if I backed down
and I refuse to back down anymore and not be an equal.
Yes I am very sad at this
and I have cried painful tears
but my tears will dry
and my pain will heal
and so…
Good Bye
I do love you.
I wish you well
but remember
this is your doing.
You have to live with this.
Not me
and as much as you try
you are not going to be able to forget me.
You are not going to be able to make me disappear.

All Yours

catherine anne hayes — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 02:34:25 +0000

I am waiting for you in my bed.
My eyes look directly at you.
My arms lift
beckoning
Come to me
Lift my dress off of me
Kiss me
Suck my breath into you
Dance with my tongue
Push me down against the pillows
Run your hands down my body
Own it
Possess it
Possess me
Yes
Open me up
Use your hands
Coax me
Fondle and kiss my breasts
Take and suckle till I cry out
Tease
Caress
Hear me whimper
Feel me tremble
My legs fall open
Slid your hand down
Find my secrets
Tease me
Torment me
Slip inside and discover my pearl
Roll it in your fingers
Feel me shake
Feel me gush
Moan
Beg
Please
Please
Please
Take me
Yes
Fill me up
Tight
All the way in
Yes
Move me
Move in me
Oh Yes
Oh Yes
Leave nothing untouched
Undiscovered
Kiss me again
Ride me hard
Claim me
Mark me
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yours…all yours
I am yours…

Trouble

catherine anne hayes — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 18:12:24 +0000

Trouble…
Trouble I am
his kind of trouble…
Tempting?
Oh yeah…
With a tilt of my head
and slow
sultry smile
He was definitely gone
and
totally mine
But
the minute he touched
me
the tables were
turned
He became MY kind of
trouble
What I secretly
yearned…
With
slow, sultry kisses
and
mesmerizing motions
He made sweet love
to me
and
I felt
all
his strong
but
tender emotions.
So
I very elated
and
full of wonder too
gave all
that I am
AND
all
I have
to him too.

Now
in the dark of night
blissfully
reflecting content
on our
luscious
heavenly
time together
very well spent
To me
the word “trouble”
will not
be
the same
When I think of us
it will
always
be
our
very own name.

2 June 2011 copyright catherine anne hayes

I Am Not….I AM!!!

catherine anne hayes — Thu, 02 Jun 2011 17:29:13 +0000

You who look at me
with
such contempt
You who does
not know
my soul
How
my heart beats!

I am more
than
my size
my weight
my sex
my orientation
my colour
my race
my creed
my religion…

I am
the force that creates life
I am
the wind that pushes the clouds and moves the oceans
I am
the milk of the earth that feeds millions
I am
the comforter who heals ills
I am
the worrier that conquers tyrants and protects the weak
I am
the fire that burns away the cold and warms the soul
I am
love…pure…indestructible…infinite…love

I AM YOU…YOU ARE ME…ONE…THE SAME TOGETHER!!!

5/27/2011 copyright catherine anne hayes

I Didn’t Know

catherine anne hayes — Thu, 02 Jun 2011 17:29:13 +0000

I didn’t know I was different
till I was thirty three
when I was hired to work
in a well known store
back in the early 90′s
because
my skin was lighter than everyones…
I was the token

Token…
What is that word…
A thing of affection?
or
a word of shame?
well
I felt shame
and hurt
and
disappointment…

Disappointment that I was so
naive
Disappointment that
in this day and age
tokens
still exist
and
most importantly
I wondered…
How LONG will they?

It doesn’t matter
what colour
the token is
or shape
it takes
what matters is
we should have
NO NEED
of tokens
except
ones of love…
or
to get on the bus or subway…

In The Nick Of Time

catherine anne hayes — Thu, 02 Jun 2011 17:29:13 +0000

In the nick of time
the key
to me was found
and
I found joy again
I thought
it was lost forever
covered by
sadness
illness and pain
covering me
with
premature endings
but
I guess
I was wrong
blissfully…
blatantly……
blessedly…
wrong…
In the nick of time
I found the key
In the nick of time
I took the key
and
bravely let it
insert itself
open me
again
and God
IT FELT GOOD!!

I am not in hibernation anymore!!

In The Nick of Time Number Two

catherine anne hayes — Thu, 02 Jun 2011 17:29:13 +0000

I thought I never would have
such sweetness again
even just once more
but I did
Ever gentle
soft
but strong
with the first touch
I was lost
I opened my eyes
to see if he was
real
and he was
and was warm
and solid
and he took me
surrounded me
brought me in
went into my depths
where my secrets hid
Did he know they
were there?
Mayybe he did
Maybe he didn’t
but
he was perfect
For this moment
Just what I needed
What I was finally ready for
Again
Finally
He was a precious gift
Will he and his sweetness
be back?
who knows
It is all right
I AM all right now
I am WHOLE again
He came at the right time
In the nick of time

What Do I Say

catherine anne hayes — Thu, 02 Jun 2011 17:29:13 +0000

What do I say about you..
how you found
my secret pool of desire
and deeply dipped into it’s
depths
to fervently
stir up
what has laid calm in me
way too long

You have found me out
and I am…
breathless…
Your eyes hold me
captive…
I find myself becoming
yours willing…
Take me…
With your hands
touch me
where you will…
Kiss Me
Open Me
Drink Me
Enter Me
Brand Me

I am ready for you now…
No more waiting…
You have woken
me up……
Let us begin.

1 June 2011 copyright catherine anne hayes

When One Is Inspired Beauty Is Born

catherine anne hayes — Thu, 02 Jun 2011 17:29:13 +0000

When
one is inspired
beauty is born
and
because of you
I
am giving birth
Such thoughts
are forming in
my mind
Words flowing
through
my fingers like
magic

Beauty is within
me
Planted by your
desire
for me
There is nothing
I can not articulate
can not formulate
can not create

I am empowered
to spin scintillating tales
and magical stories
Make sweet intense love
with
words woven with passion

With you
in my minds eye
and
inside my core
I write down the first words
and it all begins…

2 June 2011 copyright catherine anne hayes

My Rapture

catherine anne hayes — Sat, 21 May 2011 18:50:21 +0000

I will not live my last hours
in fear
but full of love…
I will hold close what and who is
dear to me…
Appreciate all that has
been given to me
in this life…
These are not the end days
but
the beginning of new ones…
I am not sad or fearful…
I am happy…
I am love…