| ::11:02:07::
:::13.3 Weeks :::
He or she was partly me.
He or she was meant for me.
He or she was tragedy. A casualty
Of the war I was having with myself.
Baby girl or baby boy was my whole life's joy.
Baby boy or baby girl will never get to see this world.
Apple of my eye,
I never meant for you to die.
So many times, you were on my mind. You were mine; I envisioned the day I taught you to rhyme.
And if you had a dime for every time, I thought of you,
You'd be rich enough to survive and I could've given you life.
Now, I'm rich with dimes of nevers,
A dime, never hearing your first word
A dime, never seeing your father
A dime, never holding you in my arms
A dime, never ever keeping you from harm
A dime, never sharing a moment, of my mind I am your docent
Realizing your absent, silent, and no, you weren't an accident,
But without you, I am real life fragment, not a parent, but apparently, a patient without payment of my very own mental health ward, scratching, im sorry, im sorry, im sorry 9 million times on a never ending blackboard, the doctor and I were not in accord, I wish I could've just ignored her and restored your life, if only I was clever, but if doesn't solve the nevers, haunting my future endeavors,
Serving my inner terrors every waking hour of everyday.
Cursing my own birthday,
For a disease, I didn't ask for, this is how I pay.
I ask God to kill me when I pray.
Why couldn't I have it my way?
Everything is not going to be okay. with me.
I think as I lay there silently.
As I lay there,
I know it's not fair,
That I am the one living and you, you are only living or still dying in my heart, my soul and my mind.
Take my heart, I don't give a sh*t, I don't want to feel it. I can still feel your taps at the pit of my stomach.
Take my soul; I don't deserve to feel, what's real. I need to be healed cause I keep asking: what the f*ck kind of deal do I have with God?
Take my mind, rewind time, and take back the plus sign that made my heart jump outta its lifeline, ill confine myself to the sideline, never seeing the sunshine, until life
Takes back the fact that I couldn't last nine months; I couldn't last six months, I couldn't last 13 point 3 weeks. I am too weak to speak much longer.
Beat the life out of me, drain me of my tears, blood and sanity.
And the parts of he or she that still tried to hold onto me.
Apple of my eye, I'll survive these emotional bashes, and when the pain surpasses and I let this all burn like the tip of my Newport ashes,
That I don't think ill ever stop smoking,
Hoping, knowing, growing, showing.
That my emotions will come back again, live my life again.
I'll scream, I'll cry, I'll die a little inside, I'll put it all aside, this is only the first draft, but I'm on the right path to relearning to laugh, before I finally die, knowing you already have. Written by: ~ eLa |
