Diluted Heart

Why can’t I do this?
Third time this week that no love alone defeats no love with someone
Nothing with meaning isn’t anything… important
But anything is better than nothing at all.
So why is it that my body rejects it and my mind goes limp
And I end up throwing and waking up face down in my own pool of shhhhh…
To the stomach
Thinking about all the times her complaints were valid
And I could have bandaged up the deep but invisible cuts
But I didn’t want…
…to bad enough
All I needed was another quick-fix line assured to just buy me some time to get a better rhyme for her to call shotgun in the Maserati
Stepping on the gas on the highway to one sided “this won’t last”, other sided “if I give him another chance, maybe my half full and his half empty will come together and fill this love starved glass”
But I didn’t,
I couldn’t,
This thinking was diluted
And even though this theorem benefited my new autonomy
Some left over part of me said I
You couldn’t bottom feed me
Or her
Patchwork was no longer an option for the mended hearted
You both deserve better
She’s too good for this
And you use to be worth something
Now a trip with me to the pawnshop will only get you a dirty apology
The gift that keeps on giving
And now I try to drown her out with loose toothed sorrow eaters,
So the world can be captivated by stories of well thought out distractions
Substitutes for the only kind of lust that really works:
But I can’t trick myself
It seems her face shows up every where I turn.
No relief.

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