I Will Not Disappear

Before I lock the door forever that you have closed
I want to say that as much as you try
you will not be able to make me disappear.
I am a part of you as you are a part of me.
We have a past.
We have blood.
My echo is in those walls.
they belong to you.
All yours.
I do not want them.
they are a part of my past
and that
you can not obliterate
as much as you try.
You can not stop
my thoughts
my feelings
my heart
as much as you try.
You say I have hurt you
For the hurts I have caused
I am truly sorry
I will not own ones
that you think I have caused.
I can not take responsibility
for a hurt your child accuses me of
I do not know what it is.
I refuse to.
Speaking of your child…
I for six years willingly and lovingly
took care of and raised your child
so you could return to school
I encouraged you to do so
when you were down
and felt you could not
continue you
I encouraged you more
I knew you could make it through
I knew you could succeed
and you did
I was so proud of you
and I still am
but you did not want to
know from my pride in you
Now when I try to speak to you
to try speak to you slam the phone
Never letting me say what we both need to hear
You call and do all the talking
then you slam the phone
You have done that
all our lives.
Running in doing your damage
then running out.
You have cause me hurts too
and I am in a wheelchair because
of one of those hurts
as much as you
tried to deny it
deep down
you know it is the truth
even your child knows
and saw when it happened.
Mom saw it happen too.
But you know?
I forgave you
I didn’t have to.
I was advised not to
but I did
you are my blood
I love you
again I had to protect you.
How many times have I protected you.
You know what I am talking about.
It is over now.
You have ended it.
This is your doing.
I have always been willing to find a common ground
but that ground could only exist if I backed down
and I refuse to back down anymore and not be an equal.
Yes I am very sad at this
and I have cried painful tears
but my tears will dry
and my pain will heal
and so…
Good Bye
I do love you.
I wish you well
but remember
this is your doing.
You have to live with this.
Not me
and as much as you try
you are not going to be able to forget me.
You are not going to be able to make me disappear.

copyright 9/16/2011 catherine anne hayes

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