catherine anne hayes – Page 2

Through Your Lens – In memory of Craig Elliott Jr. 1960-2011

In the still early morning
of yet another night
bereft of sleep
I see myself
as you looked
at me
through your lens
That individual moment
you captured

I was
unaware
My minds memory
recalled
the smooth grained sand
cooled
by the gently
bubbling
minuscule waves
that my aching toes
and heels
delighted in

The salty yet sweet
early evening breeze
danced
with the tendrils
of my hair
and
tickled my nose

Seagulls flying…
calling out to each other…
a young girl and boy
in the first throes of love
kissing and laughing…
and again the waves
so small that particular
pink and gold hued evening
their sound was
a gossamer soft hush

Then in the shimmering distance
a lone sailboat
on the horizon
barely noticeable
Was I
aware of it
in my private
reflections?

Did you notice
all these things?
Is that what caused
you to lift
your beloved camera
to your eye?
Forever capture
that moment in time?

Was this how I was
to remember you?
How
you saw me?
Was this
how
you loved me?

I Spend Time With You

I am not my whole self unless
I spend time with You
Life’s purpose is empty
the calm of my soul
does not exist

I need my time with You
Life is complicated
a challenge
full of tests of patience

But when I spend time
with You
my soul becomes calm
my mind ceases to be troubled
I know I am loved

The best part of my week
is my hour with You my Lord
I feel complete
I bask in Your Love
I know what it is to be truly cherished

You my Lord I most adore
My Savior
My One
My All
Because of You
I can meet life’s adversities
I become strong
I am renewed
All because I spend time with You

You Are My Spring

You
are my spring
and
because of you
I find the strength
to renew myself

I have
reason to go on
to keep living
to continue hoping
to believe
that
it is possible
for me
to begin again

Your love
flows through me
and
I am transformed

My barriers fall away
to you
I am vulnerable
fragile
like finest spun glass
and
you could
make me shatter
yet
I trust you
to hold me
close
to your heart
to your soul
never
to break me
never
to burn me
never
to tear me apart

You
are my spring
my new beginning
and
I rejoice
in my deep love for you

At The Stone

Oh My Love
Why have you gone?
Left me to face
this world alone…

Promises made
now laid broken
in this cold grave
with you…

How do I live on?
Exist in this world
I barely draw breath
My heart hardly beats now

For you were my life
my reason for existence
for hope
for joy
for love

Now I am but a shadow
a walking shell
waiting for the day
to join you my love
in this cold grave…

Unanswered Questions

I lay alone
I’m empty inside
I ache for you
Who cares about pride
I need you so

Out of the darkness I must go
Into the brightness
where happiness could grow
I wish I could tell you
what lies deep inside me
Your silence is deafening,
confusing, surprising

You did by your actions let me know
how you felt
Your words were the catalyst that
made my iced heart melt
You looked in my eyes and said that you cared
and to fulfill all my needs you would
gladly be there

Now it’s been a while since our last communication
Was I a fool to give you my soul’s secret declaration?
I truly believed you meant what you said
Then why am I so sad, sitting forlorn, on my cold bed?

For you I’d climbed the steepest mountains
I’d swim the roughest seas
I’d be there right beside you and let you be one with me
Cast the demons from your life
No more misery no more strife
Oh Darling
Come to me
Take me
Love me

Unspoken Memories

A half empty bottle of perfume
A crumpled note
A tear stained blanket
and only memories for pictures…
only the memory
of eyes
the colour of the raging sea
lit by the sun
full of passion
and love
as they looked
deeply
and intensely
into mine…
The touch of his fingers
gently pushing my hair
out of my eyes
The feel of his chest
against my cheek
as I lay in his arms
listening
to his heart beat
Cherished
Adored
Loved
Unspoken words between us
but knowing
instinctively
by the way he touched me
I touched him
We came together…
So natural…
Yet fire
It has been so long now
Circumstance and time
are not our friends
I thought I was strong
but
memories of love
are stronger
Memories of him
are stronger
So this night my tears flow
and my heart
and
soul ache
Love never faded
with time
still
lives on…
Love fated
never
to be reunited
again…

Split In Half

I must guard my heart
for loving you
is a very precarious thing

When I see you I forget who I am
I am absorbed by you
Nothing else matters

I hang on your words
I melt under your gaze
I lose myself in you

I am weak and it scares me
Do I even call
it love?
This feeling…this emotion?

I need to stop it now
this falling in love with you
lest I lose myself

So please… I beg of you
don’t look at me with those eyes
and give me that inviting smile

If you really love me
like you say you do
Love me in a way that leaves me intact
instead of split in half.

Walking Away

walking away and walking quickly
from all the confusion
the distractions
the poisons
that try their best to do their hateful damage
on what is so new
so good
so real

for once in my life I do not want to back down
I do not want to give up
what is so right for me
I will not play the martyr
and wear the horse hair shirt
I leave that to others
I will be who am
be inspired and create without censure
love and be loved freely
and joyfully

for this life is not infinite
so much has been wasted
caught up in pleasing others
who are not grateful anyway
they just want to stay miserable

Me?…I chose happiness
I have earned it
I’ve paid my dues
So bring on the music and laughter
the star shine and all the beauty
and love…sweet, sweet love
This abundantly beautiful woman is ready to be filled up!!!!

La Mélodie Dangereuse

Lilting melodies that mesmerize me
enter inside my
core
sensuously stroking
This…his haunting music does
to me
I can not resist
the lilting tones like
silken cords that wrap themselves around me
binding me to him
pulling me into
his world
he creates and I move
at his will
playing me
teasing me
easing me
all his music
his creation
I become his instrument
the sinuous sounds weaving
in and out of me
slowly
fervently
he builds me to a crescendo
spinning
teasing
then…..the crash of sound….
slowly
silkily
the melodious cords unbind….
drift away….
to a tiny shimmer
then…
Silence…

My Precious Pearls

When my mother was 5 years old George Balanchine saw her dance and saw her beauty and natural talent. He approached my grandmother and offered a full scholarship to The School of American Ballet that he had just founded with Lincoln Kirstein. My grandmother’s reply was a resounding no because in quotes “ballerinas and actresses are whores”. That moment colored my mother’s entire life. At that tender young age her dreams and desires were shattered. My mother seemed to live a life of unfulfilled dreams. Yes she would go out and achieve things like becoming a registered nurse and one of the first pediatric nurses in the United States and in the world and training many others too. My mother was very good at what she did and was an inspiration. There are quite a few nurses and even a few doctors because of her. She worked in the public health sector. She was gutsy. She saved lives. She stood up to drug lords. When it came to a sick child she was fearless.

Yet my mother felt worthless, unfulfilled….why? Because buried deep inside her soul was still that hurt deprived 5 year old little girl who wasn’t allowed to become a ballerina.
My mother was very good at keeping her hidden but I was lucky to see her emerge a rare few times like when we shopped for my senior prom dress. I still in my minds eye see her standing next to me as we looked at my refection in the full length mirror. Her beautiful brown eyes sparkling even brighter than mine. Her smile wider. Mom was rarely like that.

Another time was at my niece’s wedding. The DJ started playing a polka and a few people got up to dance. My mother said to me “Catherine, let’s show them how it is REALLY done!” and mom and I got up to polka…again for a few magical moments the little girl shone through and my mother was completely happy.

There are a few precious memories that I have of her secret five year old self coming out. I call them “My Precious Pearls”. Mom was not the easiest person. I truly questioned once if she really loved me and wanted me. I had heard my whole life that I was my father’s idea but I had never heard from her lips once that I was her idea too or that she had wanted me. One day I finally had the courage to ask her. She sighed. Then she did a surprising thing. She put her pride aside and said. “I love you Catherine. Of course I wanted you. You would not be here. You are my daughter.” Then she hugged me. That is the most precious pearl of all.