Author: Kevin J

No where, to start.
Betrayed by all my days that show that pain and life don’t have to be a part of one another.
Synonymously combined.
I honor us, but I have to accept that
Your reality
Just confirms all my lies
Perception begins at conception
Again and again
Every moment, every instant
Can be honed as your beginning.
Not a force, just a choice
You’re the force, being more
Than your tattered fabric, too elastic, stretched-and-pulled for others use reflection can ever tell you
I love you, I never said it, but I loved you.
And I admired
The fact
That no matter how far you’re pushed,
You find,
Your way back
And so much liberation gained,
Like you’re asking for the chains again
But I’m asking for this beginning that’s never happened.
One’s that spectrum is a light that can blind your mind. Death to this sight
To the point, that the sun
Would never leave, so never comes
Will always be, in your soul
Until reality unfolds.
And the walls,
The walls fall
And the possibilities become endless.
Limitations are illusions
Dissolving any premise.
And you start, where you end
Where you’ve never been again.
And you’re more than just content to allow your mind to bend
And let go, all you know. Knew, but now you don’t, so you go
To find the truth
That’s between, me and you
That’s somewhere
Beyond
Me and you.
I love you, you know that, I loved you
But now I just want to hug you until you dissolve into molecules
So you can start over again
But it’s not my job to change you, or the past
I’m just not allowing myself to look back
Good luck…

9th note to self.
P.S: Hope it’s the last

This is desperation
My turn,
Backwards,
But forward
Progression confused
So things repeat
Now I,
Like you,
Loneliness,
Is introduced.
How you stopped the circles?
I don’t know
But could’ve sworn,
We,
Had obligations,
To keep these rounds,
In rotation.
You said
You’d hang in, no matter
The count on bandages
But I checked back at,
Our spot
Carousel of love maybe and I will leave you not
And the lights were off
And I couldn’t find the switch
That I thought would work forever
Cause in the past,
It always did.
These stallions,
Each other,
No longer, willing to chase
Giddy up darlin…
Na
Here in the dark, I see
Motivation for all the things I never gave you,
Couldn’t be erased

I won’t pick up
Won’t hear the messages
Won’t read the signs left for my interpretation
Excused too much
Now I realized
Took it all from me
What left do I have to compromise
With
Lifted is the burden
Loosened is the confines
That left no room for undying love
I gave it
I found it
Thrown away
On deaf ears and black holes
Not again will
Reciprocation be denied
Leave it for someone who loves that ride
Blank-a-go round
Fill in the name or the explicit
I know it’s quite sudden
I know you had no idea
And you are so thoroughly you so…
Why would you?
But just know that
I loved you
And I loved you
And I lost you.
Then I found it
The reason
I left
In that order, so know that I tried
I tried
I tried
Good…

Love
Fool’s Gold
Petty Pity
Heavy Jealousy
Heart holds pain like
Sponge in rain like
Memories of sane days that
Won’t go way cause
Different now it is but
Better than it was
Now falls down since
You’re living just because

Everything
Years of the good overshadowing the malice which was
Plentiful
No hugs at a time that my only solace was in rhymes
Credit
Is due to the few who convinced me that drugs, may be in the future
But as of right now, shouldn’t be my substance in use
Eye to eye
We saw when I had some of the rawest but still felt fraudulent
I gave it up because it felt nothing like the time we spent
On benches
Or floors in my room
Never yours
Or Pier 18 where we never contemplated jumping
But things change
Nothing mind altering
I’m at equilibrium when I think that I can fly away from all this
With one step
Off your roof, which I no longer have access to
So I’ll settle for my ledge
All it will take is one step, because my life will follow the rest
And I can’t soar unless I take a chance
I need to go cause I’m dying to live again
But I’m afraid the sentence will stop short and I’ll just be…
Yeah.
You had this way about you
Kept everything up, with the slightest of touch
Held all the fears back using all of your might
Made this anti-matter kid see stars in the city’s skyline
But now I’ve been left, just like I deserved
On a roller coaster that’s drop is so steep that it disappeared underground
In the middle but no where
In the box, but looks like the owner doesn’t want their lost to be found
I want to thank you
For a lot of things
But most importantly just making this alarm hold off from a ring
That was just bound to happen
Thanks for the words, the speechless moments
The tolerance of my nothingness, even despite its onus
I couldn’t have done it
I’m seeing that I can’t
Thank you for everything
No matter what happens next
Just recognize that it wasn’t in vain
I can’t help it
And you know that
It all would have turned out the same anyway

Red wine mixed with sly finds
Fine dimes found on high times with
Quick hits meaning bliss
And your first time not being based on earth signs
But who was ready,
Willing,
Able,
Stable enough to control the steering wheel in the firebird of 90 mph ecstasy
Next to me, a chick with a good head on her shoulders
I know because it hasn’t been cut off by her recklessness or lack of selectiveness on who’s next online at any time or place
Put to waste is her mother’s morals which malfunctioned in installing her daughter that water is a better alternative to gin or chronic
But she’s perfect…
For me…
Right now…
Etensive is repulsive
Conversation and you’re eliminated
If you’re not high, you’re low
And if you’re not down, you go
Shotgun’s to the right of me
You ain’t even gotta call it
It’s all yours

Shake me down
Rape me down
Full blown break me down
Take my rights
At the height
Of this free world’s death flight
Burn the clothes, stop my engine
Heart and soul, don’t win elections
All my fire has been bottled up to keep me from pretending
I can make a difference.
Little girls subjected to short shirts,
Short skirts
Short end of the stick
What you get… is what you get
No point in striving
If hell and less than we deserve were underwater,
We’d be diving
Little hums and little mummers
Get knocked down a little further
Stop before they’re started
How can I become a canvas-less non-painting artist?
Working with nothing but my heart and a voice
Not by chance, but by choice
Wasn’t my plan, but it works
To keep me sane
Looking in the future, see my chanting from my grave
Can’t be stopped
Can’t be stopped
Forget the failures that I’ve had
Forever more I’ll do this
Cause eternity is more concerned with good intentions than life ever can.
So leave what they gave you
And burn the remains
Never let them count you in or out
My only guarantee is that not one step on this road to completion
Will be
In vain

I saw her
Last Try.
“I’m sorry”
(Silence)
“I had to”
(Silence)
“For you!
Please say something, constructive or destructive, to either hold up or knock down my belief that consumption of hope isn’t anything… but enough”
Cheesy poetry always got to her.
Was thinking maybe that that would get her out of this rut.
But these cold eyes, brown eyes, stare not at me but through me eyes held our demise,
And it held it tight.
And I need it loosened, but I couldn’t explain why
I was worth it.
I thought she had unearthed it when we first met and her heart set on our union that we shouldn’t be commiserating yet.
But I ruined it.
And I tried to fix it
But it’s useless.
They said.
Hard as ice
I read nothing but rejection
She didn’t even say a word to give me a hope of thinking otherwise.
Ok
Last try, I told myself, last try.
It’s a obvious that there is no room for compromise.
But somewhere in those blank eyes I saw it in a glimpse
And I knew
I felt it
I understood
I hope she could tell…

I missed her too.

I have…
Been through some things.
Not a lot, because my fortune doesn’t run out.
Not anything big, cause I minimize.
I try, to maximize the feeling at the time,
Take a shower in the blood you try to scrub off your hands.
Let the agony and despair rain over me like light and love were never there.
Get knocked down and never get up from these hits that eat away at your skin until your mind is exposed,
And even that is splattered across canvases of haunted spirits still looking to fill the void that keeps them searching for their souls.
I run from them, though they feel me,
More than anybody.
But
I may have to thank…
God
For all my rebirths.
I may have to consider every time that it was over and I rose like a broken phoenix.
Not as high as I would like, but enough distance from the ground to keep reaching for anything.
With my pessimistic optimism,
I should never have seen the light of day when KO hit KJ
And KJ hit replay,
Never letting myself forget the fact that I’ll never really win but…
I’m so fortunate that I refuse to see all that is in front of me
And sometimes, what I am.
After death, I think my breath’s use is still to cultivate,
Sensing, out of no where, that I have a puncher’s chance
So I get up and rise up and stand up and stumble and limp closer to somewhere I find highly unlikely.
Some kind of low-level perfection where I’m…
Pretty alright

All I can do is take it lightly that you don’t appreciate the
Time and effort I put in to this like a Sheppard from the olden days, the extras from the bible, disciples without rifles.
All I can do is pound her head with it so one day she can come back to me and say: “You were my savior, I never realized I was in danger. I wouldn’t have known, I didn’t have time, the end doesn’t come in stages,”
And I respond with not a smile, just a nod.
I’m not roused cause I know I gotta be louder so the whole world can hear it and force adversaries to deal with it cause I’ll be telling it forever more, till people scream for encores as I walk out the door,
Realize that I’m dreaming and I hit the floor. But its still gotta be told till my Hearst comes and carries me away, and on that faithful day I’ll look back on all the times I prayed for God to wash my sins away to the bay where the unfaithful live
With their kids following in their footsteps, meaning hell needs to be well kept like a pound or a vet with sick people in cages in rages screaming for second chances.
I try not to stare at the graves of those who blame their fate on it being preordained, covering my ears trying not to let my mind be corrupted by the empty substance of excuses thinking they could be allusive.
If they knew it, they would never have thought the all-knowing would fall for tricks of the downward-spiral trade,
But instead bumped them up to first class on the express and they end up where they were heading in a flash.
Straight down, step on the gas.
But they didn’t know, and they still don’t. That’s why the decisions are easy but the consequences are hard.
And altruistic benevolence catches people off guard.
But it must be said, so I’ll progress past stagnant and just move my lips and guarantee that if I put it in a song, it wouldn’t get a Grammy or be a hit, but my words with its only rhythm or beat being the snares of the constant motion and the bassline of the urgency behind it is my only chance so:
I hope you think about the person beside you
And realize they’re just the same besides their ancestor’s first names, and they need you. For a moment, or an eternity
Everyday there are people with needs more important than your own. And with this thinking, maybe even sooner rather than later, you’ll be the most important person in someone else’s eyes.
Then you’ll find where the better half of karma resides.