The Legend Of Jess The Beach Dog

Stray Dog Beach, so lonely so sad…
It’s a place I know well. It’s worse than bad!

A dark and scary port along Puerto Rico’s shore –
strewn with litter, junk, and thugs galore.

Jess is my name. I’m a shepherd, size large!
I once lived there in a rusty abandoned barge.

Don’t cry just yet, for I was not alone.
Lucy, Shep, and Leo all shared my home!

Leo’s a brave yellow Lab, who loves to fetch sticks.
Lucy is a Dalmatian, and Shep is a Doberman mix.

I am white with blue eyes and have stand-up ears.
I survived on this beach for two very long years!

I once had a family – I wasn’t always a stray.
In fact, I was the present they got on Christmas Day!

I was tiny and cute and just loved to play,
but I got less attention with every passing day.

By New Year’s Day, my family was sick and tired of me,
so I was banished to the backyard and chained to a tree.

On Valentine’s Day they took me for a ride in the truck.
“They love me again,” I thought. “Oh, what luck!”

We stopped at the beach, so we could enjoy the day.
But when I got out, they drove away!

I was scared and alone. They never came back!
Moments later, I would meet the rest of the beach pack.

From out of the jungle and from behind every tree,
dogs of every size and shape welcomed me!

I was officially abandoned that February day;
Here’s what the other homeless dogs had to say:
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You must be brave, for you’ll be OK.
Steve comes to care for us every day!

He has long brown hair and wears a bandanna that’s red.
He brings us fresh water and makes sure we are fed.

Through tropical heat and bad garbage spills,
he heals our wounds and cures all our ills.

He stands between us and would-be abusers –
a homemade slingshot is what he uses!

A massive rescue project has already begun,
finding us loving homes, one by one.

Progress is slow, and their funds are not many,
but to save our lives, they will spend their last penny!

Steve promised that his amigos would come for us.
You just have to wait for your turn on the rescue bus!”

And so I settled into the life of a dog with no home.
I had a daily routine and favorite places to roam.

Eventually I became the alpha male, the boss –
the one no other dogs wanted to cross!

I ruled the beach with an iron paw,
Enforcing our very own K-9 law

Mothers and puppies were first to eat;
The elderly and sick had the next seat.

When darkness fell, we all scattered and hid out of sight,
my buddies and I guarding for any dangerous plight.

But everything changed one starless eve,
when a group of troublemakers just would not’t leave!

I barked a code red, hoping to alert the pack,
when these delinquents dumped hot oil on my back!

They were planning to do worse but were scared away,
by Lucy, Shep, and Leo – who all saved the day!

Us dogs sure are tough! But we still feel the same
as people do when they feel pain.

The next morning I knew that Steve would arrive.
He would take care of me and help me survive!

They say many blessings often come in disguise.
Whoever coined that phrase must be very wise!

My fever was scorching, the pain excruciating –
but soon that rescue bus was at the beach waiting!

So I got on the bus when I heard, “Let’s go! Vamos!”
We were off to see the town vet, Dr. Ramos!

He cleansed my burns, gave me penicillin and an I.V. drip;
He x-ray ed my back and tended to my throbbing hip.
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I was showered with attention while I was recovering
and in these few months I was soon discovering
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that most humans are kind, not evil nor bad.
But I had thought the worst from the experiences I’d had!

I learned to trust again and wag my tail.
I played with my plastic hamburger toy to no avail!

I was discharged with my toy and countless tubes of ointment
but was scheduled to return for a weekly appointment.

So off I went to my new foster home.
My temporary mom Nydia loved me like her own!

I had to wear a big t-shirt most of the time.
It looked silly but protected my wound just fine!

Placing me in a permanent home was a difficult mission.
There were rumors that I might have a bad disposition!

Most shelters wouldn’t take a chance on me because of this or that –
they feared I had food aggression or would hurt someone’s cat!

I went on many evaluations and interviews –
my behavior was assessed and it wasn’t good news.

Finding me a home was just getting harder!
I wouldn’t share my toys, so I was labeled a “resource guarder.”

I was rejected by so many places, indeed!
But I was finally accepted by the organization “Animals In Need.”

After a tearful goodbye, I flew from San Juan to Washington State –
for a forever loving home I no longer had to wait!

The Kessinger family wanted me, ugly scar and all!
And for the rest of my life, I will never fail to recall:

My new mom, dad, aunt and brothers in the cargo zone
waiting for me with a fuzzy toy and a delicious welcome bone!

Dreams really do come true – I’m certainly proof of that!
I even pal around with Gomez, my new family’s cat.

I found my forever home, no more one-way trips in the car.
My scar even healed into the shape of a lucky star!
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There is one more important thing that I’d like to mention –
Having a pet is a huge responsibility, we need daily care and lots of love and attention!

An Irish Pub

Tucked away on many urban corners
An array of patrons ranging from newlyweds to mourners

Where draft beer flows with refreshing ales
From the darkest lagers to the blondest pales

You just popped in to quench your thirst
But your self composure must have been cursed

For there you remained until the very last call
Swigging brews and having a ball

The behavior you displayed was mighty troubling
You certainly would have mortified the mayor of Dublin

Even the Leprechaun had to shield his eyes
And the four leaf clover wilted with shock and surprise

As you ordered up a shot of whiskey from the tired barkeep
The statue of St. James actually began to weep

And poor Mr. Murphy, the one who wrote the famous law
Was simply aghast at what he saw

The next morning dawned with a hangover so savage
You should have stayed home and ate corned beef and cabbage

Las Vegas

Limping gamblers sporting fanny packs
Aching to beat the odds against the dealer’s stacks
Smoke from Marlboros, Camels and Salem Lights

Very red eyes and very long nights
Exotic dancers and Chippendales
Go-go Girls with glitter nails
All the cab drivers are from kingdoms so very far far away
So if it happens in Vegas… we all hope that’s where it will stay!

Red Wine

Robust and dark
Your happy as a lark
Fruity and dry
Now your gonna cry???
Oh grapes of wrath
Get outta my path
Aromas pungent and so very bold
What fables and dark secretes have you told?
Such a smooth satiny oaky finish
As your number of friends seems to diminish
Organic with not one single tannin
Now your louder than a pirates cannon
Nuances of honey
Even screw cap is worth the money
Merlot
Oh no!
A fine Cabernet
Keeps reality at bay
Zinfandel
Hangover from hell
Pinot noir
Your the star of the bar
Spain, Chile and the California coast
Bottles of what you regret the most
Nether regions of central Spain
The burgundy thunder causing steady weight gain
And least we forget Italy’s vines
Uncorking heavy drama and countless driving fines
As soon as you are not able
To read that fine vintage’s label
Pay that tab – all the moneys due
Get some change, because you’ll surely have to pay the piper too!

Two girls trying to have a drink

From under which rock did you crawl?
Inviting you over I do not recall
No flicker of interest was ever displayed
No eye contact ever made
Poly jacket and vinyl shoes
Over bleached teeth and too much booze
Mighty assuming and uncouth
Perhaps you should call Dr. Ruth
Dare we accept this just one dance
And then run for cover when we have the chance
Because this lower life form cant quite understand
The interaction ends along with the band
Our time is worth more than a $5 drink
I wonder why men are not extinct
The purse snaps shut. and then were out the door
Quothe the women Never More.

The timescare presentation

We all know a time share shmuck
Those presentations are so hard to duck
Buy a week in Detroit and with relative ease
Exchange for an exotic location with a tropical breeze
An alluring gift, sometimes money
You don’t qualify without your honey
If you have no credit card, you’re an ass
Through the hostess you will not pass
Perhaps you’re older than 67
You can’t bank your week if your already in heaven
If the fractional ownership concept you do not conceive
That free crock pot you may not receive
For 75 minutes they will trouble you
Make you feel like a P.O.W.
In that Dungeon you will stay
Until you figure out how to pay
For those two weeks of future fun
Snag that foreclosure There’s only One.

Adios

Time is something we should never waste
It’s intangible and impossible to replace
So why do we spend years with some dumb ass guy
And always try to justify
For the small fact he has no career
While your paychecks disappear
The unromantic thoughtless sort
While you need a years supply of St. John’ wart
He can’t remember how to spell your last name
But hell Never forget whose playing in the game
For all those times he was M. I. A.
And you actually believed what he had to say
But the important thing is that we learn
What Not to accept around the next turn
The assessment should not be a five year plan
You grade that paper as soon as you can
If he’s a C or below
He’s Got To Go
Less than average just can’t compete
He gets the ejector seat

20/20

I’ve often heard that love is blind
Perhaps you’re vision should be refined
No eye surgery could ever correct
Those feeling of amore we resurrect
Not telescope could help us foresee
Even the Tinest fault with “my love for thee”
It’s not until your friends suggest
That perhaps he is not the best
Of all the candidates you could find
But by now you’ve gone legally blind.
You know it’s bad when Mama called
Just to tell you how appalled
They would be if they ever saw
Him become their son in law
Of course you think they’re all crazy
Until when fine day you’re vision is a lesser hazy
He used to be my super hero
But in the hall of justice he was a big fat zero
Eventually we realize for ourselves
There’s a lot better books on the shelf

I’m sorry you’re not gainfully employed

You’re rounding the bend towards middle age
Not even earning minimum wage
you’re parents are so very annoyed
That you have never really been gainfully employed
A briefcase and Brooks Brothers you have not
Himalayan satchel and Birkenstocks is what you’ve got
Occasional jobs to keep the shoestring from breaking
Canoe guide, den leader and martini shaking
Did you have any entrepreneurial contemplation
While shining slot machines on the reservation?
Did you perhaps think there may be something better
While you were knitting that Alpaca sweater?
But you’ve been to Paris and you’ve been to France
Maria Maria taught you to Tango Dance
You scaled Everest and made it alive
But you are terrified of 9-5
A free spirit -that you are
But you have no money to buy a car
You must think that this is the way
How much do you have in you’re 401K?
It’s no fun being old and poor
With arthritis and strokes knocking at your door
A nest egg is vital so get in gear
Please don’t wait not another year
To start a career that you won’t abhor
You might start by interviewing with the Peace Corps (1-800-4xx-8580)

Happy Hour

Lets go out for just one drink
We’ll be home by 11 don’t ya think?
A few sips of wine to pass the time
A mug of beer to lend some cheer
The birds are chirping and the sky is blue
Until someone buys a shot for you
You’re on the fence but you can still
Stop that car from going down hill
Familiar intersection which way shall I go?
Refill the goblet of merlot
It’s the wrong turn you can bet
I might as well have a cigarette
Happy hours, hours and hours…
I think ill have one of those whisky sours
Something to enhance you’re alegria?
send over a pitcher of sangria
It REALLY is a crying shame
Now that you’ve veered into the brake down lane
One final vodka tonic
That relationship used to be platonic
A glass of champagne would really be neat
But now your buckled in you’re new best friend’s passenger seat
The birds aren’t chirping and the sky is grey
Tis not a lovely day
Scary flashbacks and a vile headache
You should have pulled the emergency brake.