FREESTYLEVISION

Before I lock the door forever that you have closed
I want to say that as much as you try
you will not be able to make me disappear.
I am a part of you as you are a part of me.
We have a past.
We have blood.
My echo is in those walls.
Yes
they belong to you.
All yours.
I do not want them.
But
they are a part of my past
and that
you can not obliterate
as much as you try.
You can not stop
my thoughts
my feelings
my heart
as much as you try.
You say I have hurt you
For the hurts I have caused
I am truly sorry
but
I will not own ones
that you think I have caused.
I can not take responsibility
for a hurt your child accuses me of
when
I do not know what it is.
I refuse to.
Speaking of your child…
I for six years willingly and lovingly
took care of and raised your child
so you could return to school
I encouraged you to do so
when you were down
and felt you could not
continue you
I encouraged you more
I knew you could make it through
I knew you could succeed
and you did
I was so proud of you
and I still am
but you did not want to
know from my pride in you
Now when I try to speak to you
to try speak to you slam the phone
Never letting me say what we both need to hear
You call and do all the talking
then you slam the phone
You have done that
all our lives.
Running in doing your damage
then running out.
You have cause me hurts too
and I am in a wheelchair because
of one of those hurts
as much as you
tried to deny it
deep down
you know it is the truth
even your child knows
and saw when it happened.
Mom saw it happen too.
But you know?
I forgave you
I didn’t have to.
I was advised not to
but I did
you are my blood
I love you
again I had to protect you.
How many times have I protected you.
You know what I am talking about.
It is over now.
You have ended it.
This is your doing.
I have always been willing to find a common ground
but that ground could only exist if I backed down
and I refuse to back down anymore and not be an equal.
Yes I am very sad at this
and I have cried painful tears
but my tears will dry
and my pain will heal
and so…
Good Bye
I do love you.
I wish you well
but remember
this is your doing.
You have to live with this.
Not me
and as much as you try
you are not going to be able to forget me.
You are not going to be able to make me disappear.

copyright 9/16/2011 catherine anne hayes

I am waiting for you in my bed.
My eyes look directly at you.
My arms lift
beckoning
Come to me
Lift my dress off of me
Kiss me
Suck my breath into you
Dance with my tongue
Push me down against the pillows
Run your hands down my body
Own it
Possess it
Possess me
Yes
Open me up
Use your hands
Coax me
Fondle and kiss my breasts
Take and suckle till I cry out
Tease
Caress
Hear me whimper
Feel me tremble
My legs fall open
Slid your hand down
Find my secrets
Tease me
Torment me
Slip inside and discover my pearl
Roll it in your fingers
Feel me shake
Feel me gush
Moan
Beg
Please
Please
Please
Take me
Yes
Fill me up
Tight
All the way in
Yes
Move me
Move in me
Oh Yes
Oh Yes
Leave nothing untouched
Undiscovered
Kiss me again
Ride me hard
Claim me
Mark me
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yours…all yours
I am yours…

copyright 9/13/2011 catherine anne hayes

The mind is wider than the eye
can see. All angles resolve
in prisms in the future glen
of composite restlessness.

Parts that issue forth for the taste
buds to separate color
from sound form a whole.

All comes together, trollop,
beggar & prince in serendipity’s
party of aspirations.

Once you realize the pattern
sticks to the windshield only
as long as you don’t turn the wipers on,
you can see this moment clearly.

Mind enough to see out,
and space enough to separate
the disparate from what they are.

Please make me maker
make me more, make it hurt
if it must.
Make me holy, make me scratch
make it bleed
make it never coming back

I hold you, with passion stored as barking, binding of tremors
& pulling of levers I didn’t know I had

Anymore will I be able to call to you?
Our separation is thick like blood, like fog,
like me. bring it onto me
lay your burden in my shoulders with no surety, my capabilities
and I will stand. Naked, hounded but rooted in your air.
Breathing like fire prior to ash
This night is in blaze, and they,
will find me,
intact

gently. Say it mean. Whisper like white noise
Methods don’t matter this whole vessel will hear you,
Intact &,
sublime,
shaking with terror and/or…
might.

By my will I give you one option, only:
make me maker

My mind is blank,
My eyes are faint,
And the words still yet to come.

I wait,
I wonder,
My mines a blunder,
And the words still yet to come.

I Sit,
I Sigh,
I watch the day slip by,
And the words still yet to come.

I drink,
I sleep,
I wake up to leak,
And as I look into the bathroom sink,…
The words begin to come.

I want to drown you in this blood

That spills hotly from me now;

I will baptize you in these sticky iron memories

Which have surged since my inception;

I will drown you in rich, scarlet blood

That in your lover once ran –

Dark rivers in his subterranean tunnels

Locked in fleshy circumstance,

As once he locked himself in you.

 

This blood that made the screaming man cry

In a room bereft of you, God well out of sight.

I recall, with the sickness I lunged

To the toilet and upward looked for him, to pray

But found only the mottled paint of a prosaic ceiling there.

Then in fits, I chortled, cringed, sang, sat and wailed,

Worshiping you who could so easily waste me, and

Leave me to the hungry zoo lions and parasites!

This blood that leaps and fountains up

And out now, out to stain the windows of love,

My love, once had, and not – no, never again.

 

You rivaled Delilah and Sheeba, Helen, Andromeda!

A flower every day for your finespun golden hair.

But now I leave this devil’s cesspit of a world,

Life a dead, atrophied cow, my golden world somewhere

Beyond these cares…

We choose the starling over the rooster,
the apricot over the plum.

In sum the tastes of one
are from long striving

to understand what composes
an identity to fill out as your own.

There are paintings I “enjoy”
though I know not why.

The compatibility of vision is
perhaps unknowable.

Describe this wine without
terms of preposterous stretches

of linkage to tobacco, slate,
the smell of burnt cloves,etc.

The skiff sits in the placid bay
as the sun sets beyond the harbor:

A scene of serene meaning
possibly beyond explanation.

Let me see you dive.
Call Friday if you have a clue.
Liquid refreshments arrive & peace reigns.

Nonflammable renovations hover outside.
I ponder where this goes in the stream of flings.
What to choose & when arrives.

Outside the cosmos wink at us.
Plastic cups are filled & the party
continues.  No way out it seems.

The batteries have died and pa
or ma in kerchief have fled the screams.
Help me, please, hold back your flight.