Category: Penman Lounge

I sat across from her,
And listened to her eyes,
Sparkling words of wonderment.
We held a table hostage
Sharing time and space
As the world swirled around us.
Nothing could break us,
A beggar’s cries were lost,
Cold winds only brought us closer.

How much of me was hidden from her,
Yes, my mind was open,
And she could see my mouth,
My teeth were not shy.
But my heart lay buried,
For it would destroy us both,
Capsize our table and drown our friendship.

It tried to escape from me but I strangled it,
And it flowed from my lips only as a sigh,
A familiar occurrence, not noticed,
Another dead dream flowing into the world
To join others and drift nonchalantly
Over us actors, awaiting action

She had to leave me,
We parted in the cold,
A smile accompanied by a hug,
Was her gift,
And she was neither angel nor devil to me,
But something more beautiful,
Human

No corrections to be made
We had whips and chains,
Places to blame
And circumstances to hate for our in and out game
Never believed we met the end of the line
But still ray as we ignored the math matics
Finding ways to dilute the valid hazards we speak every time our spaces meet
Remnants of deaths just coming into focus
Left on ceilings of stages marked for our atonement
Drip, drop
From tip, top
To places that would leave stories in the footprints
If they fell fast enough
Too down for the idea to witness the panoramic view we had of the writings on the wall
Perfect depictions of the scars and bruises
And the therapeutic uses of letting go
But we used the flowing as paint instead of proof
Drawing what could only be the work of history rewriting synergy
No whips and chains: correction
So we were free to deviate from this plan we made
So familiar, like I’ve seen this play in mourning as the sun awakes us
In two different places
Ended hating each other, but with enough insight into our selective memory
To leave a little space for the feelings of satisfaction momentary
I wish we would skip all the make shift and fast-forward to the pain
Then maybe we’d pick up someone else’s sense and see that we’ve painted this prose before
But we love the illusion
I’m counting the moments till you forgive me,
Show up at my door and I take you
Can’t say no to the walls I molded and the monster we created
The weakness in free will
Forever, I will be devoted to this…
It, never worth mentioning
Or trying to explain
That’s why (we stay) it stays
Between us

I fired at you
You shot back your heart’s presets
Fixed, little use in trying
You weren’t up for trying this out again
But I proceed with cautious steps
I proceed off steep ledges on hillsides that others have only turned back from, repeatedly
That past tense never makes this kid hesitate
He hasn’t been able to fly
But every drop feels a little bit closer.

Suspended
Your eyes met me
Danced in my shadow
Kept up with the manic
Mimicked it and laughed “No reason to run yet”
I haven’t been still in months but you see it that everything worth pausing for has come too close for comfort
Fear
Jubilation
Or any emotion that is adjacent with ground dwelling
You. My inspiration
The glimmer in deep falls and ledges.

But reality comes back to me as your wisdom finds solace on my shoulder
This kind of warmth was reserved for those finally finding their way home
I’m no where near, but you’ve fell upon my footsteps
Made me wonder if they weren’t pointless
With the touch of Ms. Been There and the eyes that proved you made it back
I try to focus on the scar on your cheek as you dance in the snowflakes
I can’t
Your feet make me forget about the frozen walkways I am so afraid of
How beautiful are you?
Why do I get to witness it? Why do I have to leave the time we’ve spent?
I want to crash and burn in it
Use the fire to wash away all the consequences and bath in it
Lay in you, and your memories
Be a distraction and mirror some of what you’ve been for me
In this one night. This one stroll inside Hollywood cameras.
Thrown back to the drawing board because of our separation in the ending
I can’t help but forget about ‘what is’ because of thoughts of ‘what could be’

But you won’t let me
One caress of my neck lets me know it wouldn’t be perfect, but it is in this moment
Actually making me believe you’re doing what’s best for me.

We continued on
My heart argued with your memories
You tried to give me something to remember as I tried to let you forget
Interrupted by a voice
A homeless woman gave us a piece of advice, for a price of our choosing.
The only thing you need to be concerned with, she said
Isn’t the sex, the money, paying your rent
No
That girl on your arm
She just wants to be kissed.
We laughed at the sentiment
It had nothing to do with the future, the past, anything except, this
But it seemed like the best compromise

So for now can we put all thoughts aside
And let me take her advice?

I feel you
I think all things are possible because they are already alive
It’s our job to find it
Be prepared through the moments we get
All is waiting for me, when I’m ready.
I’m still too aware of what people think
I’m a little jealous of you because you’ll do what you want because you feel to
I promise I’ll never be embarrassed of any of it
I may not tell you this because any kid would take advantage of it,
But I don’t believe in right or wrong
It’s all just experience
I’ve spent too much time in pain because of the judgements
When you get here, it will probably be on-going.
I tried so many times to paint your eyes the tint mine could never reach
And I realized that I was just trying to rewrite myself
With a better beginning, middle and end
I promise I will never try to do that off a sketching pad, but I still feel compelled to make right by you
That’s what we call insecurity
I’m too young for most things but I feel like I could grow up for your sake
I’m probably not ready to shoulder the burden of another’s when I can’t even handle my own life
But I come through on most things I’m forced to do
But I don’t want to use you
I don’t want you to be brought here so I can conquer my fears
You deserve a life which the ends don’t have to justify anything
Especially these means.
Your mother, with any luck, will be the reincarnation of my own
Willing to give everything she has not to see you fall just because she knows you can fly if you’re given the chance
I’ll agree, and you’ll be the only thing we wouldn’t hold grudges over
Because your prospects are effortless
And we got and gave each other the opportunity to witness it
You can’t imagine how much planning we’d put into you for close to a year
And then have it all come down into pieces because we could never have predicted your uniqueness
We will do more than embrace you, we’ll just believe, and I know you’ll oblige
I love you, incredibly
Because I know you exist
I was talking about you when I said our immaculate conception was received before birth
I know that you’re just waiting for me to be ready
I thought I’d try to speed up the process
But I haven’t been blessed with your presence because there are still things I need to get in order
What I want for you is a solid home with a head that is steady
Everyday I try to make the right place for you
I want you to know that you are welcomed.
Not a burden or coincidence, just my best surprise
When it’s right, when I’m ready,
Come home

If I could see you,
to have one look into your face.
If I could see you,
and hear you speak my name.
If I could see you,
and ’round my chest feel your warm embrace.
If I could see you,
and see your sweet smile again.
If I could see you,
and watch your strong handsome frame.
If I could see you,
and see the wind catch your hair.
If I could see you,
and in a glance catch your stare.
If I could see you…

I think of you miles away
and I am chilled.
For I want you
here
to ignite me.
I want you
on me
over me
in me
filling me
with your heat.
Hands playing my body
making me sing.

Time
do not tease me
any longer.
Bring you
my lover
to me.

Copyright Catherine Anne Hayes © 2008

Patience…I am asked
to have patience
but
as time goes by
I become more
and more
impatient
So many things said
they will be done
and are not
So many promises
broken
Have patience
It will be done
I wait
I wait
Tick tock
Tick tock
Time goes by
They never show up
It’s never done
Always an excuse
It adds up
Impatience
Every where I turn
Nothing done
I am waiting on
some one
Impatience
My life now is
Impatience

I no longer want
this Impatience
These broken promises
These useless words

I no longer accept them.

Copyright Catherine Anne Hayes © 2008

My Angel, My own…
take me back to the top
of our mountain where
it all began.
Lay with me
in the clouds
and kiss me
like you did
Make my body tremble
Reclaim what is yours
to take.
You are my passion…
My hunger…
My need for you is great…
Am I a fool
to tell you all?
Perhaps…
But…
that chance I will take
for you are worth
the risk.
It is you who
I want.
You
who I crave.
You
who make me sing….
Come
take me to the mountain soon.

Copyright Catherine Anne Hayes © 2008

The sun shines so brightly
and the birds sing their song
but my soul is very sad
for you are here no more.
You showed me how to make things
and to see beauty with different eyes
and with your own particular style
you opened up new worlds to me.
These gifts have stayed with me
and have guided me through life.
For this I will never forget…
and even though we were estranged
at the end
you were still in my heart
and
will always be in my heart.

God Speed Aunt Mary…I’ll always love you…

Copyright Catherine Anne Hayes © 2008

26 months from a cloud covered mountain

to a rain soaked evening
and yet
I still yearn
I burn for you as bright as ever
If anything
my desire
to hear the timbre
of your voice
to feel your hands
on the side of my face
as you look deeply into my eyes
before you join your mouth to mine
has increased
It is an ever growing flame
that you ignite in me
You still have the power
to make me tremble
with your touch
to make me weak kneed
to give me such joy
Oh my sweet
how I will show my desire for you
Let me come to you soon

Copyright Catherine Anne Hayes © 2008