Category: Penman Lounge

They’re so polite.
Hiding in reserve I’m sure
of nothing about their true
feelings toward us.

Covered in resolve
to see all their families
whole, even the Frenchified
& that British oriented lot

that hail the Queen.
The beer is sublime,
& taxes prime the coverage
of all in medical care,

so there.  I love
the tee shirt, on the front:
“what’s the definition of a Canadian?”
on the back:  “an unarmed American

with healthcare!”  And,
also I love you,
Alice Munro!

p.s.-if any of these “Thuglicans” win
the ’12 presidential election, I’m Canadian!

a clean, civil society not at war with anyone

We occupy the time it takes
to discover how to live a life:

confinement, searches, empty boxes,
trails, fresh fruit, the gift you riff on,

and on while something closes
way too soon, the deck tilts, missing cards.

Then coming up for air in an ancient city,
cobblestones shining in light rain refreshes
the palate.

The boombox in the sunglasses store
drove us on to the bistros & bars.

On the plastered windows a language spoke
of what I could only imagine: Rimbaud muttering
to himself.

Past tense continues to slog in the shadows
while about to arrive holds off the message.

I wait for you to grasp the gist of experience
to pull the rabbit from the hat & save us.

Everywhere we are all tourists and have aged
the land with collateral damage.

We march, sing, cry into the wilderness
carrying our sorrow before us, trashing
the remaining Caesars.

Yet quiche Lorraine in a deli on Avenue Cartier
as the rain ceases
soothes the spirit, lets much fall away if only
for a sliver of time.

The Middle of the night
and I am awake again
Restless
Changes
so many, many changes
that are going to happen
it is good that they are happening
but
some I am not ready for
and
some I am hurt and scarred deeply by
Changes
They must happen
I am scared
but they must happen
Life goes on
I must go on
I do not want to live this life anymore
I can’t anymore
It hurts too much
It chokes me
Drowns me
Drags me down
I want to be free
Free from hurt
Free from bounds
Free from screaming voices
I want to live again
I want to feel alive again
I want to be myself again

copyright 10/12/2011 catherine anne hayes

I do not know how
to argue in this language

with traction that grasps at
straws as the clouds race by.

The summer peppers are late
for lack of heat. The closing
shadows slow all growth.

We plant a thought to bring
forth a story nurtured by the spring
of ongoing lust. How

to take the soil as what
we have & grow in it
lasts many seasons

with you flowering all
around our garden. It’s
never done. The harvest varies

from year to year. We mature
& stay steadfast.

I continue to walk out
on the limb with you.

Before I lock the door forever that you have closed
I want to say that as much as you try
you will not be able to make me disappear.
I am a part of you as you are a part of me.
We have a past.
We have blood.
My echo is in those walls.
Yes
they belong to you.
All yours.
I do not want them.
But
they are a part of my past
and that
you can not obliterate
as much as you try.
You can not stop
my thoughts
my feelings
my heart
as much as you try.
You say I have hurt you
For the hurts I have caused
I am truly sorry
but
I will not own ones
that you think I have caused.
I can not take responsibility
for a hurt your child accuses me of
when
I do not know what it is.
I refuse to.
Speaking of your child…
I for six years willingly and lovingly
took care of and raised your child
so you could return to school
I encouraged you to do so
when you were down
and felt you could not
continue you
I encouraged you more
I knew you could make it through
I knew you could succeed
and you did
I was so proud of you
and I still am
but you did not want to
know from my pride in you
Now when I try to speak to you
to try speak to you slam the phone
Never letting me say what we both need to hear
You call and do all the talking
then you slam the phone
You have done that
all our lives.
Running in doing your damage
then running out.
You have cause me hurts too
and I am in a wheelchair because
of one of those hurts
as much as you
tried to deny it
deep down
you know it is the truth
even your child knows
and saw when it happened.
Mom saw it happen too.
But you know?
I forgave you
I didn’t have to.
I was advised not to
but I did
you are my blood
I love you
again I had to protect you.
How many times have I protected you.
You know what I am talking about.
It is over now.
You have ended it.
This is your doing.
I have always been willing to find a common ground
but that ground could only exist if I backed down
and I refuse to back down anymore and not be an equal.
Yes I am very sad at this
and I have cried painful tears
but my tears will dry
and my pain will heal
and so…
Good Bye
I do love you.
I wish you well
but remember
this is your doing.
You have to live with this.
Not me
and as much as you try
you are not going to be able to forget me.
You are not going to be able to make me disappear.

copyright 9/16/2011 catherine anne hayes

I am waiting for you in my bed.
My eyes look directly at you.
My arms lift
beckoning
Come to me
Lift my dress off of me
Kiss me
Suck my breath into you
Dance with my tongue
Push me down against the pillows
Run your hands down my body
Own it
Possess it
Possess me
Yes
Open me up
Use your hands
Coax me
Fondle and kiss my breasts
Take and suckle till I cry out
Tease
Caress
Hear me whimper
Feel me tremble
My legs fall open
Slid your hand down
Find my secrets
Tease me
Torment me
Slip inside and discover my pearl
Roll it in your fingers
Feel me shake
Feel me gush
Moan
Beg
Please
Please
Please
Take me
Yes
Fill me up
Tight
All the way in
Yes
Move me
Move in me
Oh Yes
Oh Yes
Leave nothing untouched
Undiscovered
Kiss me again
Ride me hard
Claim me
Mark me
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yours…all yours
I am yours…

copyright 9/13/2011 catherine anne hayes

The mind is wider than the eye
can see. All angles resolve
in prisms in the future glen
of composite restlessness.

Parts that issue forth for the taste
buds to separate color
from sound form a whole.

All comes together, trollop,
beggar & prince in serendipity’s
party of aspirations.

Once you realize the pattern
sticks to the windshield only
as long as you don’t turn the wipers on,
you can see this moment clearly.

Mind enough to see out,
and space enough to separate
the disparate from what they are.

Please make me maker
make me more, make it hurt
if it must.
Make me holy, make me scratch
make it bleed
make it never coming back

I hold you, with passion stored as barking, binding of tremors
& pulling of levers I didn’t know I had

Anymore will I be able to call to you?
Our separation is thick like blood, like fog,
like me. bring it onto me
lay your burden in my shoulders with no surety, my capabilities
and I will stand. Naked, hounded but rooted in your air.
Breathing like fire prior to ash
This night is in blaze, and they,
will find me,
intact

gently. Say it mean. Whisper like white noise
Methods don’t matter this whole vessel will hear you,
Intact &,
sublime,
shaking with terror and/or…
might.

By my will I give you one option, only:
make me maker

My mind is blank,
My eyes are faint,
And the words still yet to come.

I wait,
I wonder,
My mines a blunder,
And the words still yet to come.

I Sit,
I Sigh,
I watch the day slip by,
And the words still yet to come.

I drink,
I sleep,
I wake up to leak,
And as I look into the bathroom sink,…
The words begin to come.