Author: Wayne Everbeck

After running up a down a mountain
Come back to the house feeling accomplished
Take off my sweaty clothes
And put the wet clothes in the drier

I try very hard to be perfect
No one can complain if you don’t do anything wrong
Right?

These difficult words seem to always escape me when I am near paper

I put myself in purposeful challenging situations.
I want to explain in detail what this means but my
Intensions are questionable at best

Being average is dieing!
I want to be a role model of perseverance.
I want to be revered

Pity can only get you so far
Especially if you know it is pity that you seek
It becomes pathetic

As the strut around the house naked
Feeling a sense of pride and disgrace about my new found awareness
I am afraid of who I really am or might become

I think I have myself figured out
My ego says don’t settle
You are better than this

Reality says I have to do something
I know what I want to do
But think about the restrictions against it

I figure this out when I am in the shower
With my ego bruised I step out
I slip on the wet floor

My foot is bleeding
My body lies flat
I know I need a bandaid

But do I also need a therapist?

You are enslaved
by your own
thoughts
assumptions
predicted norms

You just need to be you
You care too much about what people think about you
You think you know what the other person expects of you

You have no idea what others think
Let me say that again
You have no idea what others think

And if you are trying to think what other people are thinking
Then you are not thinking for yourself
And the next thing you know…

The moment has passed.
Then you are over analyzing your own actions
And not being true to yourself or the people around you

This means you perpetuate the cycle of who you want people to see you as
And not the person the really are
Making it even more difficult for you
to be your genuine self in the future

Be the most you
Let people judge
If they don’t like it
It was not meant to be

You hold the key
To your own salvation

I feel the best way to get over my thoughts is to accept them.
If I don’t accept my thoughts they fester in my head
I don’t accept the thoughts as truth, just their existence

Once they are acknowledged I cannot deny their existence.
I try to hold them loosely and
Not let them direct me or my expectations.

Keeping my ideas in check is a very difficult process.
Writing down my thoughts is like personal therapy
From my head into the alphabet soup on the page

By accepting my thoughts I can share them and move on
Thoughts catch up with me eventually so
Damming them is not my best approach.

The more I fight the ideas the more they fight back.
Let the idea cast the first stone
Then put it on paper.

Does it look different to you when it is written?

The greatest trick the Devil ever played was convincing the world he did not exist
Make your Devil real and confront it.
Maybe you will learn something from yourself or open your eyes to new possibilities

Once you accept that you might be weird, unique, or crazy
You start to realize that dealing with your issues makes
You more human than the ever expected

Up to this point my life was a struggle
Survival is my crutch

It is comfortable
I have used it to stroke my ego

Wayne realize the crutch is slowing you down
Check!
What happens next?

No more excuses
Face your fear of
FAILURE

Feeling alive is my purpose
I want to share that feeling with the world
I can only change myself
Hopefully my spark will catch

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People says, “Behavior is a product of conscience choice, rather than a product based on feelings.”

The Secret says feelings can be used as a tool to let us know if we are in the right frequency. It also says that we can shift our feelings and start producing a positive frequency.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can hurt you without your consent.”

Challenge Day facilitators say that feelings if not expressed fill up your internal balloon. When this balloon is filled or pops we take our frustrations out on the people that are closest to us. They claim that talking about our feelings gives us a source of strength.

Gandhi said, “They cannot take away our self respect if we do not give it to them.”

Eckhart Tolle says feelings are temporary and that they too will change with time.

I believe that when it comes to feelings we need to be aware of them.
I believe good feelings should be acknowledged and shared.
I believe bad feelings should be acknowledged and shared.
I believe to deny feelings would lead to pain and suffering in the future.
I believe we need to be able to separate ourselves from feelings.
I believe we need to realize that feelings come from within.
I believe that we should have the ability for feelings to change over time.
I believe we should try to discover why they exist.

Feelings make us alive. Awareness of Feelings makes us human.

On Judgment Day God is going to ask us if we lived our lives to the fullest extent possible. At this point, you know lying is not an option because God is all knowing.
So what if your answer to the question was “No I did not live my life to the fullest.”
God might be satisfied with the fact that we did not lie during that moment.
I am assuming the next question he would ask is “Why not?”
Because you were busy, fearful, or lacking
I wonder if that would fly with God.

So I ask you, are you truly living?
If the answer is no then what is holding you back?

My whole life I have played roles
I change roles depending who is around
My characters include: oldest son, brother, boy friend, Wayne Train, friend, co-worker, Skeevy, and Wayne Everbeck

Like most actors I enjoy having a captive audience
So in my past I usually surrounded myself with tons of people
My supporting cast determined my actions

If my personality changes depending who I am around
Then I better choose my company well.

Am I being true to myself and the people I am around if I am acting?
I don’t know how I would act if I was told to stop acting by someone.
Does everybody act differently depending on the company?
When nobody is around am I acting for myself?
Is it acting if nobody is there to witness it?
Is this person behind the actor actually me?
Who is that person?
Who am I?

Am I using people?
So that I can be perceived as a good brother, friend, or lover?

Is being good more important than the reason why?

Am I playing the best role possible or am
I just trying to avoid conflicts by adapting my behavior to the needs of others?
I will always be me because I cannot be anybody else. Right?

Playing all of these roles shapes part of my personality because
It affects how people interact with me

I know I want to be seen as favorable to others.
I want to be the best Wayne I can be.
I am just not sure about what being a great Wayne looks like?

It is almost Shabbot.
I am watching dragonflies
seamlessly float

over the lily pads which
seamlessly float

over the pond as I
seamlessly float

in a boat
over it all.

My relaxation is effortless.
My ripples are contagious.

Why do only the privileged reap the benefits of psychiatric counseling, executive coaching, process consulting, private schools, and teacher’s aides?
The cycle continues
Those with more money get greater attention and resources.

To charge money for help is to perpetuate our capitalistic monetary culture.
Knowledge and help should be free and used to help us all.
Imagine having to pay a firefighter before they save you from your burning house

The health care and education institutions are broken.
At worst they are unsustainable and at best inefficient

We should provide our services for the betterment of society.
Social Scientists and Teachers should know better than to charge for their services.

I wonder what Karl Marx would say if he realized that his books needed to purchased?
Particularly by advantaged college students only for the purpose to fulfill a social science requirement for their business degree?

Change has to happen.
Why can’t we be proactive?
How bad to things need to be before the paradigm shifts?
Why does our country only come together in the face of tragedy and not opportunity?

Once we can democratize help then we can grow towards the future.
We all have gifts that need to be shared

It is not until white, middle class, heterosexual, Protestant, able bodied males
Are being affected by these difficult economic times
That our collective condition finally acknowledges national attention

When it gets to this point it’s called a Recession
For most it’s called Life.

By doing small things
That might safe time later
I realize how much I sacrifice the present to
Reward the possibility of the future

I unwrap a single toilet paper roll and
Put it under the other
Unfinished one

Knowing that if I put two
Toilet paper rolls under the first
Unfinished toilet paper roll
That it will get used up faster due to
The surplus of toilet paper

I go pee
Sitting down
So I don’t have to aim

I wonder if I should flush the toilet
I know my girlfriend doesn’t like it

I think to myself that
I will probably have to pee again before
She comes home from work

I don’t flush

I wonder if I should have brought more toilet paper
From the garage into the bathroom

Off to the garage I go.

I bring in eight rolls even though I only used one
And I didn’t even really use it

I just got it ready for when the
First toilet paper roll ends

I know other people don’t think like me

I am afraid of what I might find out
If I ask people if this is normal.