Penman Lounge – Page 35 – FREESTYLEVISION

This is my story, this is my life

This is my story this is my life.

One of these days, it’ll be okay.
It’ll be divine as I cross the line.
Into that other space, that other world.
Into that content ness like when I was a little girl.
No worries
No sorrows
No “what about tomorrows”.
No downs,
Only ups.
Just a full fucking cup.

Just a world full of light.
For this is my story, this is my life.

But, as I’m straggling through this foggy mess.
My heart on my shoulder, my mind on my chest.
For all those to see, for all to bare,
For all to scrutinize, examine, and stare.

I become a maverick,
A prophet,
A seer.

I am untouchable, because I do not hear…

The nonsense
The ignorance
The obtuse acts shown bright.
For this is my story, this is my life.

My Friend Bill

I let him mourn too long,
It was my mistake,
I thought I would be generous,
Understanding, forgiving,
Be not letting him forget so easily.

They all told him
To move on and find another
I felt I was the only one
Who understood,
That there would be no other
Like her, for him.

So I said to Bill it was okay
Okay to feel sorry and to cry
If he wanted to stay alone,
Sleep in and not go out,
Fine by me, I understood.

He stayed in and never came out,
Unless it was with a bottle in his hand
Of something strong smelling
With a burning taste,
All I can ever take to make the pain
Surrender and go away, he said,
Between sips and gulps.

I told him that it was now time to stop mourning,
But the dirge was still playing
The ladies of the house were still screaming
And Bill had only just begun.

Lord be with me

[Chorus:]

For me, you paid it all on Calvary;

To me, you gave promises;

With me Lord Jesus, be with me…

When I lay down to sleep, be with me…

When I wake, Oh Lord, be with me…

As I live my life, be with me, Lord be with me.

[Verse 1:]

Who I am, I don’t want to be;

Who you want me to be, by faith I am;

My life, Oh Lord, take control.

Your blessings, Lord poor on me.

Shape me Lord, shape me Lord.

Oh Lord…

[Chorus:]

[Verse 2:]

In my heart, and mind your words invade;

I asked you, teach me Lord and shape me Lord;

My prayer, the answer you gave,

And that is, before I even asked,

For Proverbs says it all…

Oh Lord…

[Chorus:]

[Verse 3:]

Your word ain’t always easy to comprehend;

Thank you Lord, for the preachers…Oh Lord

My everything you are; the Alpha & Omega;

Thank you Jesus, you’re my savior!

Oh Lord of glory, because… (Merge into chorus)

[Chorus:]

For me, you paid it all on Calvary;

To me, you gave promises;

With me Lord Jesus, be with me…

When I lay down to sleep, be with me…

When I wake, Oh Lord, be with me…

As I live my life, be with me, Lord be with me.

During the Fall

When we mull over the way things are
There are distortions, faulty memories.
Things that don’t add up,
Some blame on the calculator.

All those on the road to here,
Didn’t make it, playing by rules
They never wrote. Under the freeway
Out in the great openness we all strive

To explore in youth’s inquisitive grasping
Are more cardboard houses traveling
Lightly away from order and routine
And the horizon we never reach.

Calling out in the dark,
Away from mall neon and saccharine song
Are the refuges of bad math.
They clutch remnants of a life

Now emptied of excessive essentials.
Sleeping on the streets builds character
Say talking heads who never did.
In the vast green park we all love

You must keep moving. Do not linger
In despair’s alcove or look for
Straight answers to bent questions
We no longer share with each other.

To my Lord to my King

To my Lord; To my King;
As I went to sleep yester night
a calm sleep to me you gave.
With Dreams and Visions to me you spoke.

Before the sun could shine on the surface of the earth
me you woke so I may contemplate and admire the mightiness of works!

Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!

Oh my! There is none like thee whom deserves the praise and worship.

May your name be exalted and praise forever more
as I take may daily steps, as I breathe the air that you?ve made available to me
I love you Lord, I love you
my King, my creator, my one and only, my rock, my fortress

To My Truth

I stare at the empty page and the blinking cursor
and question
Is this the symbol of my life?
Feelings bubble up inside of me
like water boiling in a tea kettle
yet
like the steam that shoots out of the spout
and evaporates to nothing
I can form no words or thoughts
This is pain
This is frustration
This is disappointment in myself

I question
Am I afraid of my own truth?
and
if I face my truth will I be able to take it
not crumble under it’s weight?

I sit in front of this page now not so empty
with some words
With bald desire to open my truth
With shaking courage
I start….

Sleep

In my twilight sleep I am aware of
My cheek resting against the wash worn soft cotton of my pillow
I faintly hear the nightingales sing their song
their tone imploring…seeking…
I awaken to the moonlight stealing through the blinds
and sigh…
and wonder
“Is this to be another night of lost sleep and dreams?”

I am so tired. Sleep eludes me.
The night and its sounds are my companions
where lately I feel safest.
Day time has become alien yet I know
it is there I need to be.
To function.
To live my life.

Night time…Sweet velvet night time.
Remembering my childhood.
Remembering my father.
Cuddling next to him on his bed.
His whispering in the summer darkness,
“Shhhh… Look out the window.
You can see the fairies out on the trees.”
Feeling such happiness there with him.
Feeling safe. Feeling love.

Now years later I wonder in these sleep deprived nights
“Do I still look for the fairies out in the trees?”

Sleep. Precious sleep. Elude me no more.

I Am Who I Am

I am who I am
too old
too fat
disabled
yet
for today I am perfect
true
pain racks my body
rage runs through my mind
at things that are not right
but
I am who I am
I feel love
I am loved
I am full of passion
and
I have HOPE and FAITH
and THEY CANNOT take that away
from me
AS MUCH as they try
as long as my heart beats
as long as my spirit exists…

Coiled Spring

I feel like a coiled spring
wound tight
about to
spring free
yet
day by day
tighter and tighter are my coils
rubbing against each other
creating friction
and sparks…
uncomfortable sparks
with pain in my body and soul.

How do I break free?
How do I let loose?
The pressure is building…
The sparks are burning…
I do not want to be like this…
Still…

The Man Behind The Iron Mask

mask

Last night I had a dream of a world where my daughter hated me. She despised me with such a grudge that it could not help but remind me of her mother. A bitter chill relished in her eyes, as her words stabbed like daggers through my heart. I was never a great farther. I was never the man that kept a family shrine around his desk at work, or scheduled family events for every weekend. I was never the type of person to run around with a wallet full of pictures screaming to the world “ Look at my baby!!!!”. Of course I carry pictures of my daughter, I use to carry pictures of her mother too before the divorce. But I was always the type of person to pull them out on request not advertise them to the world. My reason for this may not make any sense to some. But I cherished my family. They were irreplaceable to me, worth more than gold or money. Some what of a vulnerability as I use to put it. I always thought that I would die without them. For my heart only beat for them. The endless hours of work. The placing of my dreams and desires on the back burner. The constant bitching and bickering, tears and regrets. I never regretted anything myself but I can not speak for all parties involved.

After all that, I sit here still shadowed. I willingly release 37 percent of my check. that’s more than double the legal child support percentage at 17 percent. I eat once a day, don’t have a penny to my name after I am done paying the bills I acquired will still married, but some how I turned out to be the bad guy.

My weeks are hectic with work and pursuing something that I know will be achieved, but sometimes I wonder could it had been achieved already if I had not placed it aside. I look at my daughter sometimes. Not in person, but from a picture and wonder if she will understand when she gets older. Will she remember all the times when I tried to come pick her up and her mother slammed the door in my face. The times we did spend together the two of us, just me and her, farther and daughter enjoying the day the good lord gave to us. I am only human, I cannot see the future, or predict life’s out comes. I can not force myself in one direction, when my heart tells me to go another. I gave a lot of myself away to a person, who at the time deserved it. But soon enough abused it, and forgot how special it was.

My dream may have been an awakening, a warning, or maybe just a fear. A thought that someone who I love unconditionally could just through me away. Be infected and influenced by another, who in my absence fed her hatred and lies. My daughter is truly the only person I can rely on in this world. Her smile shows me heaven, in a world I knew as only hell. A insight that at one time we were all innocent. Just little beings, learning and becoming influenced by our surroundings. Not yet knowing dreams or desires. Just basic wants and needs. I wish that I could remember a time with such innocence and when I realize I cannot, it does not matter. I have the chance to relive it with her.